Monday, October 09, 2006

Life is...

Last night I was in a bit of a blue funk. What with my heart all topsy turvy at sighting an old somewhat-ex and then, almost simultaneously, meeting an old crush at Saturday night's party.

This old flame, I'll call him Ahmet, was the love of my life. We met a few years ago and hit it off like chocolate ice cream and a mixed nut topping (what? You can't have chocolate ice cream without nuts okay?) He wasn't conventionally good looking, but he had this easy confidence and a quick wit that would have me rolling with laughter in seconds. He oozed charm. Oozed it, it leaked from his every pore. We flirted back and forth and our sms's were filled with light banter and sparkling repartee. I fell for him like a stack of glass plates crashing to the floor. Hard.

There was one tiny problem. He'd had a steady girlfriend for almost six years. He wasn't cheating on her or anything, the further-est we'd ever gotten was harmless flirting - on his side. I on the other hand, was head over heels.

He got married to his girlfriend not long ago, which I know in my heart of hearts was the right thing to do. But that doesn't make it any easier for me. The selfish, insensitive she-devil that I am. Seeing him again at Saturday night's party with his beautiful wife brought back bittersweet memories. We talked a little, albeit awkwardly. The butterflies and friction were still strong, and the eye contact was as long and soul deep as it had always been.

I'm not usually the remorseful type. I try not to let things get to me, I honestly believe if something's meant to be, it will. So if it doesn't work out the way I want it to, I let it go as best as I can - I know there's something better out there. But last night, for possibly the first time in my life, I felt the pangs of deep regret. If only I'd given quasi-ex a chance. If only I'd not let stupid, superficial things get in the way of knowing him better. If only Ahmet had not had a girlfriend. If only we'd met earlier, before he'd had her in his life. If only.

Sometimes you just have to grab whatever life throws your way with both hands. Close your eyes, take a leap and jump for the stars with full faith that you'll land between them. Unless of course, that particular star is already conquered and occupied. Then you just return to base, ready to take a high flying leap at the next beautiful star that comes your way.

Shit, now I sound just a little bit stalker-ish.

I read this somewhere and found it particularly fitting; "All that matters in the end is how fully you've lived, how deeply you've loved, and how well you let go of the things not meant for you."


Neil said...

I think that is a great quote. It is always easy to look at something from the past with a "what if" attitude, but you can't be certain that you guys would have even worked out if you had the chance. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be for a good reason. The truth is you never know. So, just look towards the future.

November's child said...

Thanks Neil, I think I was just having one of 'those' days. Although sometimes, looking back into your past teaches you things you wouldn't have learnt if you hadn't gone through that experience. But you're right, it's a lot more exciting anticipating what the future holds!

Heyyyyyy you're Neilochka!! I love your blog! Can I say I'm a fan? (Do bloggers have fans?) Anyway, meet yours.