Friday, January 26, 2007

Shrink Wanted

I've always imagined myself a pretty good amateur (unqualified) psychiatrist. Not that I'm any good with sharing advice. Or with listening to people mourn about things gone wrong, because really, there are enough things in a day to get a person down without having to listen to another depressed soul's sob story. Hmmm... never mind, so I wouldn't make that great a shrink, but I've always considered myself stable minded, level-headed and common sense-d. But secretly, I'm not.

There are deep psychological factors that affect me. So deep rooted and well hidden I don't know whether to be amused by my own neuroses, or to seriously think about investing in a therapist.

Relationships terrify me. The thought of chaining myself to any old guy (and I don't mean that age-wise) for the rest of my one precious life makes me panicking-ly claustrophobic. It's not that I don't want to have a serious relationship which will inevitably end in marriage; because hell yeah, I do. One day. But either I just haven't met that right guy with that Z* thing or I have some seriously deep emotional issues.

The last handful of could've-beens that I've met, I always about-turned straight out, before even beginning to let the idea of a chance happen. Finding invisible flaws and imaginary defects seconds after having been introduced. And the few others that I was incredibly attracted to (and who had the Z), were either too young, too uninterested, or too taken. And if they did become available, I suddenly wasn't so into anymore. All part of a weird emotional mind-game. I'm only interested if you're not.

I don't know whether I just need to smack myself back into the grayness of reality, or keep fanning the vibrant flames of hope that I will, after all, find that one great guy who's right for me. Hold out until I'm an old and wrinkly 50 year old, still waiting; or just attach myself to the next almost-decent, no-spark guy who comes along. But neither one sounds very appealing.

My mother is always the first one to tell me I should just give it a shot, that I will eventually end up falling head over heels. And I understand that, because it's easy for two people spending enough time together to discover the goodness in each other.

So I wonder if I should simply give up on all the hoopla of chemistry at first sight, and settle instead for a steady (boring), good-on-paper kinda guy and then, hopefully, discover the Z in him.

But then again, it's a trade off between electric passion or plodding, respectful fondness. And the latter I've always felt, is more apt for elderly uncles.

Z* - Simply named due to the plethora of words to describe it, that all begin with Z. More popularly known as "zsa zsa zsu" or much better; the "zzzzuh!"

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Urban Dictionary defines it as; To write a blog entry just for the sake of posting an entry, not because you have done anything interesting today.

So here's my contribution...

I've blatantly swiped this off of Thai Girl's blog. Feel free to return the favour. I love these things. Give me an application form or a questionnaire any day, to be filled out in block letters in tiny little boxes, and I'm a happy puppy.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"@!%$#@ I'm gonna be late again!"

2. How much cash do you have on you?
:S hmmm... equivalent to $26.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Bore, store, lore, snore, adore, ignore, before, furore.. okay this is going take a while.

4. Favorite planet?
I dunno? All? None? I'll stick to Earth until I've visited the others.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
An international call from a guy friend who called to say "hi its my birthday, wish me!"

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Hummingbird. I am a boring ring tone person.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
I'm at work (heheheh) (no wonder, right?) so it's a white stripy shirt with cream and brown print.

8. Do you label yourself?
I am beyond all labels. (And oh so humble).

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing:
This is funny, I just looked down at my sandals and the label says "No Name." Shoe, thy name is irony. But I'm going to have to put in my dollar's worth here (I'm worth more than just two cents), I do not understand how some women can spend a fortune on shoes that they're going to walk through mud and dirt in. Expensive watches and bags I can understand, but shoes? It boggles the mind. Affordable doesn't mean ugly.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright and sunny, unless I'm sleeping.

11. Why is there always a missing question?
Because there's always a screw loose.

12. What does your watch look like?
Platinum, square face, roman numerals. It was love at first sight.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching a Prison Break re-run. Wentworth Miller. Yummy-licious.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I think he's married! I'll xplain all when i get to work!"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Within airplane flying distance.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
"Bloody" "Shit!" "Are you serious?" "I'm starving"

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
I don't even remember. My mummy? No actually, she didn't either. I'm so unloved :( Okay it was a girlfriend I did a favour for just yesterday.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Eww no. I don't do pets. They're cute to look at, from afar.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
I'm a good girl. And I also don't like the legal ones. I'd rather sleep off a headache than take a painkiller.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
One, but it's only quarter used. I can't even remember what's on it.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
19. 20. 21. 23. Probably my entire childhood until 23. 24+ life just got boring.

22. Your worst enemy?
None that I know of (I hope).

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Some arty illustration of a woman with a guitar. Very colourful, very abstract.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Which one of you thieving rats stole my pen?!!" (This is an oft-used, typical line repeated every few hours at work, until I sheepishly find my pen under my keyboard/ on the floor/ under some papers.)

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be?
See if I had a million bucks, I could take an airplane to wherever I needed to go. Two birds with one stone. Am I clever, or am I clever?

26. Do you like someone?
It's kinda fading out. Not by choice.

27. The last song you listened to?
Crazy by Gnarls Barkley is on my iTunes as I write.

28. What time of day were you born?
Night time. Probably why I'm such a night owl.

29. What's your favorite number?
I don't know - how do you tell? Maybe 1.. It's cute and small, and I don't have to send those bloody chain forwards to too many people :)

30. Where did you live in 1987?
Same place I live now.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Nope. Being satisfied is being happy.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Who knows? Who cares?

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In Dubai on holiday, shopping. The clowns at the mall were all gathered around a television, and I wondered what sci-fi "America under attack" movie they were playing.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Never happened. I'm one of the lucky chosen few.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Kind, no. Gullible, maybe.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Either my lower back or my left hip and my ankle. Can't decide, but I definitely, definitely want one.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
French or Arabic. So sexy.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

39. Are you touchy-feely?
I'd say yeah, but then I'd also say no. Depends on the person I'm with really.

40. What's your life motto?
"Act in haste, repent at leisure." This coming from one of the most impatient people on the planet. But it's a life lesson learnt the hard way, over and over. And over.

41. Name three things you have on you at all times:
Cellphone (my right hand, my lifeline, my oxygen), keys, lipgloss.

42. What's your favorite town/city?
My God, where do I start? Where do I end? I like quaint towns and bustling cities, I like historical hamlets and contemporary metros. It would be a bloody long list.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Taxi this morning.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
My best friend's birthday a few months ago. We have this deal where we HAVE to post a birthday card + letter on birthdays. Best idea we ever came up with. Okay not really, but it comes pretty close.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
Err... no. I wouldn't know where to begin.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Don't know about a first love, but my first crush was a red headed, freckle faced brit called Ian, back in the 6th grade. I have no clue where he is.

47. How far back do you know your ancestry?
Sadly just upto my great grandfather. That's the problem with immigrant families. And no internet. My mom's side is a slightly different story.. I can go up (down?) about 8 generations, although I'm not sure how much of it is true and how much my grandfather made up.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
A girlfriend's wedding last week. I wore a muted green chiffon sari with silver work. Why? What kinda question is that? Because I felt like.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Naah... unless we're talking about hunger pangs. My stomach feels like it might eat itself.

50. Have you ever been burned by love?
No, and I'm very thankful for that.

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers?
No, but I'm very much intrigued by some.

52. Where would you like to live?
Australia, South Africa, Australia, Singapore, Australia, Mumbai. Did I mention Australia?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

State of my affairs

Yup, so it's not happening with my very own, local Ashton Kutcher. Not that I'm not interested, or have changed my mind. Far from it. There's just no way, no how, that it's going to happen. He's too young, I'm too old, he's still studying, and too young, he lives in another country, and is too young. So I'm being dignified and moving on before I make a fool of myself. Also, I haven't seen him in a week. Maybe he has a girlfriend. But anyway, he's too young.

So a little sadly (emotion-wise and pathetic-situation-wise), I move on.

On the winds-sweeping-the-gloomy-clouds-away side, I have a date with a guy I was at school with. Attractive and interesting, he's a total catch. A textbook example of The Perfect Man. Almost. Because, while he has great qualities along with some pretty great looks, his arrogance and super-size ego wipe out his good-points slate to a snowy white, squeaky clean.

He'd asked me out before, while we were still at school, but I'd always turned him down - his constant need for attention and self-worship just a little too much for me to handle. But in my almost-desperation for romance, I'm giving it another chance. Because who knows? After all these years, he might just have changed. Or I might have. So I'll go with an open mind and see how it goes... it's not a big deal, just coffee after all. And I've always been a sucker for a really good cup of choco-mint latte.

I told my sister about him being back in town, and she told me to be careful. "Don't you dare fall for him," she said, "You told me way back then, that if you ever considered dating him, I should smack you really hard. And I will." She obviously doesn't like him.

But I'm tired now. Sick of waiting for the right guy to come along. I have younger and younger friends getting coupled up and hitched all around me. They're dropping like flies. It makes me just a tiny little bit envious when I hear friends tell me how great their boyfriend/ fiance/ husband is. One girl couldn't stop gushing about how her fabulous fiance treats her like a queen, still opening car doors and all, and they've been engaged for almost half a year. I want that for me too.

Getting off the subject, but I think gentleman-ly men are absolutely awesome. I loooove it when a guy opens the door, or waits for me to go before him. There's this one guy I keep bumping into at work by the lifts, who always puts his hand over his heart, bows and politely greets me. It totally makes my Monday morning.

As for Mr. Big Head - my coffee date; with a not-so-hopeful heart, I wait for any excitement tomorrow may bring.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Confessions of a would-be Cradle Snatcher

First things first. But not necessarily in that order.

Zanzibar was... well, what can I say? My visions of sunny, sandy beaches and mouth watering junk food were drowned in a pail of icy cold water. The weather was dreary - constant rain which made the beach and Stone Town utter and absolute blah. And the street food vendors had been closed down by the government due to an outbreak of cholera.

So with dreams of un-eaten junk food and un-drunk sugarcane juice and an un-swum-ocean, I got back to the drudgery of daily life.

Then, one day, I met a boy.

Absolutely gorgeous, a funny, kind-hearted, regular good guy. There's an inner glow that lights his face. I feel about him what I haven't felt in years. Not even with Ahmet. I know this sounds clich├ęd and dumb, but I feel like a school kid. I get all blush-y and shy around him. And as usual, with my luck with love, there's a problem. Well two, but one is not as important as the other. 1. He hasn't actually asked me out. 2. He's younger than me. Like, really young. Early 20's I think, compared to my almost ancient 26.

The last thing I'd ever thought possible for me on this earth was to be attracted to a guy younger than I. If someone's even a couple of months younger, my attraction-possibility meter shuts down. Instantly.

I don't really know what to think or do. I feel stupid flirting, although I do very subtly use my feminine charms to err.. entice him. But I don't really know if I'd be able to carry through. Plus, he leaves for home, abroad, in a few weeks. And I'm not really one for long-distance relationships. If it ever came to that. But I do so like him.

I've always thought with my head when it comes to relationships. I've never ever never fallen blindly for a guy without ticking off a mental check-list. Attractive. Check. Witty. Check. Mature. Check. Well spoken. Check. Good-hearted and well-mannered. Check. Outgoing and fun and social. Check. Successful. Check.

Yeah that's right, I have a stone-cold heart.

In my defense though, it comes from long experience. I dated a seriously hot guy just for his looks. It lasted less than a week. While he was drop-dead yummy to look at, he was a total yawn. Vanilla dull-dom. Then I dated another guy just for his personality. He was intelligent and interesting, but the attraction level was zilch. No, I lie. It was in the negative. That didn't last long either.

Now that I'm old enough (and mature enough) to know what I want, and more crucially, what I don't want, it's always been important for someone I'm in a relationship with to meet those criteria. Only this time, that list I've chucked straight out the window. Who knows what might happen. Or might not.

He could one day be my Ashton Kutcher.

Happy New Year.