Party Hearty

It's almost christmas, and the year end parties have started with a bang. My weekends (and a lot of the work week) are almost completely choked up with plans. Even if that means dragging myself out of bed the next day wanting to die, so I can sleep some more. For eternity.

But the endless parties and meeting old friends and new strangers is always fun. What's even more fun is the hilarity - the absolute, utter hilarity - of being possibly the only stone-cold sober person at a wild party. Because you should know, the antics of the piss drunk make for some seriously good entertainment.

Since I'm usually the only one with a boring glass of juice (or at my most hair-down-all-caution-to-the-winds best, an ice cold red bull), I'm usually able to appreciate (more like, laugh till my tummy hurts and never let them forget for the remainder of their time on earth) their drunken acts of lunacy.

This one guy for instance, at last weekend's bash where almost everyone was plastered, all high on life (and a whole lot of other things). He wandered over and started talking (and I use the word loosely) about the cheesiness of old D grade Indian movies.

"All they do," he slurred drunkenly "is dance around trees," and tipsily tottered around the near by lit-up tree, then promptly fell off the steps next to it. He then stumbled back to our table, picking up the cloth napkins at each place-mat and stuffed them down his shirt.

"See," he said, "They cram napkins down their boobs. Then the hero comes and kneels at her chest while she breathes heavily," and proceeded to act it out, thrusting his chest spasmodically in the air, confidently playing the heavily panting, busty heroine.

I think it's time he came out of the closet.

It's not always so amusing though. A lot of the time when everyone's passing out left, right and centre, drinking themselves into oblivion, like it was last night at a friend's very lively, movie-themed party; I wonder whether most people can enjoy living and loving life without the aid of hazy, alcohol tinted glasses.

As someone who doesn't touch alcohol (by choice) and can go to a party and still have a blast, I feel sorry for people who have the need to zombify themselves. Getting a little tipsy and happy I can understand. But when you drink to a state that you couldn't recall your name if you had a gun to your head is just, I don't know, stupid.

I like to be able to talk coherently (as much as is possible above the deafening music), get home safe, sleep on my own bed, rather than crash out in crumpled clothes on a stranger's uncomfortable couch. And nurse a killer hangover the next morning.

Although grumpiness resulting from the late night + early morning wake up call for work, a missed breakfast due to having overslept and a skipped lunch trying to maniacally meet deadlines, comes pretty close.

Poise

Only in Africa will you find a peacock in all it's magnificent feathered glory, strutting proudly across a traffic jam packed street at rush hour.

Head held high, neck craned to look down it's nose at it's honking surrounding, disdainfully arrogant, it crosses the road unfazed as grown men stare out of their cars and point and laugh.

I think there's a lesson in there somewhere.

I'd rather have my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon*

Or: Thanks, but no thanks.

What is it about men that makes them treat women like they own them? And this with all women, not just their own. It's cool if you're chivalrous and charming, but if you're going to get all weird and freak out on someone you barely know, or even share a casual acquaintance-type relationship with, it's SO not.

It really gets my goat because there I'll be all nice but platonic (with a huge dash of casual) with someone and then they'll suddenly turn around and hit me with a lovey-dovey, sappy hand (and I speak metaphorically). Smack bang right in the middle of my gob-smacked self. Which is all well and good when you're both attracted to each other and flirting. But if you've been very obvious that you're not interested in the least, and go out of your way to be sisterly... WHY? WHY?

So I'm freelancing for this guy right? We met once when he had to give me some supplies and we're mostly communicating over the phone... all very professional and work related. So I finish the job and when he comes to pick his stuff up, he brings a little gift. I'm not one to take presents from people I hardly know (bad experiences. life lessons learnt the hard way) so ofcourse, I refuse in the nicest way I know.

"Why?" he goes, "It's just a small thank you. A watch. Not expensive," and shows me a garishly kitschy pink watch.

Now even if I wanted, why would I take that? I don't collect cheap, tacky, (ugly) watches thankyouverymuch.

"Take it" he says "If you don't want it, throw it away. I can't give it to anyone else, I bought it just for you. Who will I give it to?"

"Your girlfriend/ wife/ whoever" I say with what I think is an impish grin and then I walk off.

An hour later he calls me up. "Are you married or something?" he asks.

I'm lost for words. I don't want to say "D'uh no" incase he's got any ideas, and I can't say "yeah, with 3 kids" 'coz he'd find out in less than a minute from a mutual friend. Although I have done that once before when a stranger stopped me in the middle of the road and asked me my name. When I asked him why he wanted to know, he'd asked instead if I was engaged. I told him I was married and walked off chuckling, thinking I was oh so clever. A few months later I was set up on a blind date with the very same guy. So much for being smart.

So instead, I go "What do you think?"

"Damn you!" he says in annoyance "you can't even answer me properly! You don't take my gift! You don't answer my questions!" and he hangs up.

I couldn't have cared less at that point. His job was done, he'd paid my fee, and I was happily headed for lunch with a good friend.

And then this sms conversation happens:

B: sorry i lost my cool. just having a bad day. sorry

GG: its ok.. but next time please dont make such a big deal out of small insignificant issues.

B: sorry. i know guys must be hitting on u all the time. im not one of them. all i wanted is to show appreciation to a fellow artist. Im sad that my efforts were not appreciated. I prayed for you though - its friday :)

GG: (groans to herself, then rolls her eyes)

B: am i considered as just a client or a friend? if the latter then what else do i need to know about u. itll help me not to be humiliated next time.

GG: (enjoying lunch)

B: i guess i answered my own question. ok thats cool, i can live with that. i will send my driver to pick up the stuff tom. bye.

First of all, having a bad day is NO excuse to act like a moron. Secondly, whaddya mean you PRAYED for me? What are you trying to insinuate? Jerk-O. Thirdly, the whole client vs. friend thing? We've known each other for less than a week and I talk to you only about the work I'm doing for you. What do you think? Fourthly, you do NOT give cheap, tacky gifts to women. If you can't afford it, buy flowers, buy chocolates, buy a goddamn card. Fifthly, get a life. And a girlfriend. Sixthly, talking to someone for two days about work does NOT give you the right to give her presents. Well okay, you can give her presents. But only nice ones and without dishonourable intentions or expecting anything in return.

Maybe if the watch hadn't been so ugly?

Superficial? Who me?


*From a list of creative ways to say "No" that also included amusing but very gag-able items such as: I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose until the back of his head caves in.

The Cabbage Patch Man

I'm in bed with a throat infection, all covered up, bowlfuls of hot soup at my side and constant attention. Aaah... I kinda sorta almost love being sick. Since I'm in no shape to blog but I'm also suffering blog-withdrawal, I'll write about a not-so-distant memory that always brings a smile to my face. Okay, not really a smile, more like a hide-behind-your-hand giggle.

Not too long ago, I'd gone hiking with a bunch of friends. A mighty mountain, a practice run for the great Kilimanjaro. Just as steep, nearly as high, almost as deadly.

Now you and I both know, if you're going down a steep incline and you're not careful about how fast you're moving, you're going to barrel down, tumbling over wildly, accelerating out of control. I know some law of physics goes here, but I don't want to bore you (and I can't for the life of me remember. I was never very good at physics). (Maybe now's the time to take the "geek" off of the "goddess").

(Oh my God that sounds so dodgy. I meant that in the cleanest, non-perverted way possible) (Or not).

So there we were, thrilled about having reached the peak, elated at seeing the misty view of the city below us through chilly, translucent clouds, (did you know clouds are chilly? I mean it's cold anyway up at such heights, but if a cloud passes you by you'll feel the chills - and not just from the excitement. It's really, really umm... chilly). So anyway back to my story; there we were climbing slowly down the treacherous slope single-file, carefully digging each foot in the soil before taking every next step forward when suddenly this guy, Shab I'll call him, yelled out in panic "OUTTA THE WAAAYYY! MOOOOVVVEEEE!" and all of us, without pausing to look back and see what was happening, leapt off the track and onto the cabbage patches on either side that mountain villagers had planted. Shab thundered past us, somersaulting down the narrow dirt path that led straight off the side of the mountain plunging into a massive chasm below.

Hearts beating wildly we watched as he rapidly rolled down the almost-vertical trail until he crashed heavily into a rock and stopped. Thankfully he was okay, just bruises on his limbs and head. He sat there, head in his hands, breathing erratically, almost in tears. We scrambled down and asked if he was alright.

"You guys go ahead" he said to us, "I don't think I can come down."

"That's ok" we told him, "you let us know when you're ready and we'll all go down together"

"No" he said quietly, on the verge of tears, "I'll never be able to do this. Leave me here. I'll live with the villagers on this mountain forever and eat cabbages."

Eventually, we got him to walk down with us. But for ever more, the story of the origin of his name has been passed down for generations. (Not really, but friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, and random strangers).

And that is the story of how he came to be known as Cabbage Shab.

Another year older (and not much wiser).

I love birthdays - and not just because they're the perfect excuse for extravagant parties filled with friends and loved ones (and I've only separated the two because well, some friends are just casual acquaintance-type-friends, and some friends are loved ones), or fabulous (or not) gifts and fancy dinners, but because it's the one time in the year people from far away places and far away times make an effort to get back in touch and call to wish you. I love anticipating which blast from the past I'll hear from next; the surprise and excitement of hearing from childhood friends half forgotten and old schoolmates long gone.

Not that it's such an effort to remember now, in the days of cellphone reminders (something I rely heavily on, due to my non existent memory - my secret of never forgetting a birthday - or other important things, like waking up) and birthday website alarms and whatnot. But it's still very special to hear old voices, all nostalgic, reminiscing bygone memories and wishing the best for the year ahead. (A lot of these wishes include my finding my Mr. Right... Come on guys, I'm only another year older, not wrinkly and toothless. There's hope yet.)

I got some nice presents too. The usual chocolates, earrings, jewellery boxes and clothing, movie/ lunch/ dinner treats, and with them, a much-loved bottle of perfume and a gorrrrrrrgeous pearl and diamond ring.

Yeah okay, so maybe I also love birthdays because it's the one time you get lovely free gifts.

[Rubbing hands in glee.] Bring 'em on.

I

This past weekend was fabulous, the whole beach weekend thing turned out to be a surprise birthday celebration even though my birthday isn't until tomorrow. So sunburnt, happy and well-fed on gooey chocolate cake, I will turn a still-nineteen-at-heart 26. In honour of that momentous occasion, it is my pleasure to present a list of 26 hitherto unknown facts about my favourite person. Me.


1. I consider myself lucky. Although I've never won anything, anywhere, in any sort of game.

2. I love high heels. The higher the better.

3. Im pretty health-conscious. I'll drink spinach juice from time to time. Sometimes I even think about cutting back on fizzy drinks. But then I think.... naaaah.

4. Blue is my favourite colour. But I can only write in black ink.

5. I like fancy four-wheel drives better than fancy convertibles and sports cars. And I like fancy motorcycles more than I like fancy four-wheel drives.

6. I love chewing gum.

7. I hate taking photos.

8. I am not a morning person. I'd like mornings better if they started later.

9. I'm a complete girl-y girl. But I love camping and trekking as much as the next guy. Camping in the wilderness with lionesses right outside the campsite? No hot showers for 5 days straight? Been there, done that.

10. I hate walking directly behind or directly in front of someone else. It irritates the hell out of me.

11. I believe in the supernatural. And I'm pretty spiritual. Could be the scorpio in me.

12. I climbed walls as a kid. We had a narrow hallway and I'd race up to the ceiling, one foot on one wall, another on the other. If you look up "ants in her pants" in the dictionary, you will find my photo as a child.

13. I sometimes think I walk around with a big flashing neon sign on my forehead that reads "I'm a moron." I've lost count of the liars/ stalkers/ con-men I've met. Dear people of the world, I am smarter than I look. I am not a dumb blonde. I'm a copper-red-brunette (salon bought), and I repeat, I am not dumb. Really.

14. I love the rains with a passion.

15. I'm extremely house proud. Even if that means dumping the mess into the nearest closet when we have unexpected guests.

16. I'd rather be too cold than too hot. I'd rather be too wet than too dry. I can't decide whether I'd like living by the ocean or in the mountains more.

17. I love Tabasco sauce. I'd eat cardboard if it had Tabasco on it.

18. I rarely use my ipod. Maybe once in a month, if I'm stuck in traffic. And only if I remember.

19. I have 6 stitches on my head. (Did a light bulb just go off? Aahaa..)

20. I love the taste of menthol cigarettes. In someone else's mouth.

21. I love to travel. I probably inherited that from my dad.

22. My dream job would be to host a travel show checking out the world's best hotels/ spas/ restaurants. (Would anyone like to hire me?) (Pretty please?).

23. I can speak five languages, I write only two.

24. I sing when I'm happy. The next time you see someone walking all by herself in the middle of town singing, stop and say Hi. I'll also be the one chuckling quietly to herself.

25. The oldest man to hit on me must have been in his eighties. He was oOold, shaky, and walked with a cane. He stood directly in front of me, looked at me lecherously and said, "helloooo beautiful." - He also wore the thickest glasses I have ever seen.

26. I love lists. As a result I'm super organised. I make to-do lists, shopping lists, reading lists, clothes lists, holiday lists and lists of things I need to make lists of.

Sunbathing between a rock and hard place

[Health warning: Boring whiny post. This blogger takes no responsibility of injury or risk to reader arising from eye strain or mind numbing boredom.]


I am fed up. Completely and utterly sick of my job. Not the work itself which I enjoy, but the people I work with and their attitudes, and the ever growing politics that happens in offices everywhere but which I've only just experienced. I've been seriously thinking about quitting, but I'm stuck. If I leave now for a new job, I won't get a holiday until I've been at new-job for a year. And that, I desperately need. I can't wait until after my holiday before I quit present-job because I won't last that long. I might just take a running leap out of my very tall building and enjoy the breathtaking view on my way down to eternal work-stress-free peace.

The only other option I can think of right now is to find a hot, unsuspecting, foreign victim and dupe him into marriage, move abroad and get a fabulous job. Get out of this country with it's eternally frustrating annoyances, (electricity problems, water shortages, corruption, traffic police who I'm more afraid of than muggers, sucky jobs, and the friggin air-conditioning that won't work, and as a result of which my brain is melting into a puddle) and the only way I'll ever do that is to marry an overseas stranger and escape this place. I feel like Rapunzel locked in her tower. Only I get to leave at six.

But ofcourse, I can't do all that because I could never leave my mommy who I'm really close to and who I can't live without. Which is also one of the main reasons I did not go abroad to educate myself. Which I sometimes slightly regret, because by now I'd be living the good life, have a great job, enjoying my singledom in cities more suited to fun singles like myself. Not that I don't have a pretty great social life here, or a glam job - for now. Infact, most of my friends envy my work (if only they knew) and my freedom that some of them don't have because they're married with kids and responsibilities. But what's the point of all that if there's nowhere I haven't been before and no one I haven't already met, same old people at the same old places. Last weekend I watched a movie, attended a farewell party, a bridal shower and a house party with the exact. same. crowd. Not one more person, not one less. Dreary dull-dom.

What I'd really like right now is to meet someone fabulous and have a passionate, exciting romance. True love and all that. No chance of that happening though, because I don't see any nice, available boys. And I'm not being picky or anything, it's true. East Africa has a serious shortage of eligible men; somewhat like a man-drought, a testosterone famine. The only men around are old and married, or young and well... kindergarten age. And I'm only half joking. The one and only eligible is getting engaged very soon to an old school mate who I don't particularly like. Boo ya to them.

Anyhow, this weekend, if work and boss let me, I will break free from the grind of daily life and escape to sandy shores and endless horizons. A giggly gaggle of girls at a beach resort out of town, free from gossipy, spiteful stares. Sun, sand, saltwater and snacks. A weak ray of light filtering in through gloomy clouds.

Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole.

Last night, just as I was settling in to veg out in front of the television; cosy sheet and a bowl of home-made popcorn in hand, the electricity went off. Not such a hugely shocking event for us because it's become a daily part of life. Can't cook because the power went off just as you were putting your dinner in the oven? Can't go out 'coz all your clothes are too wrinkled and you didn't manage to iron?

Yawn. So what else is new?

I have put on makeup by candle light, and gone across town to iron clothes I had to wear for a wedding. I have worn a top to work inside out. Okay fine, that wasn't because of a power cut, it was morning, and I was just really, really sleepy.

Going off track here, but having no power in a third world developing country is much easier than having no power in a developed one, because not only are we so used to it, we expect it. Developed countries are just not as prepared. I will never forget the time I was at my grandma's in London and the electricity went off (what? it goes out in England as well??) and we couldn't have tea as the electric kettle wouldn't work, we couldn't leave home since we were on the 8th floor and didn't fancy carrying heavy luggage down the stairs because the lifts wouldn't run, and we couldn't call anyone to let them know we'd be late 'coz the phone wouldn't work. Talk about going back to the stone ages!

Anyhow, back to sitting in the sudden pitch dark in front of a dying television and the hordes of mosquitoes who attack as soon as the lights go off. (Mosquitoes love me. I am their food-source. They fly miles and miles from all over the world targeted directly to my feet like little killer torpedoes.)

One by one, members of my small family trickled out, stumbling in the dark, towards the more airy living room. We sat together in the candle light, a light breeze wafting in through the open windows, and talked. Stories from my mother's childhood, discussions about my brother's future and heart-to-heart conversations we hadn't had in a long time because everyone was so occupied with their own busy lives.

We sat like that for four hours straight, talking and bonding, remembering good times and bad, laughing over childhood incidents, and when the electricity finally resumed we all got up reluctantly to go back to our technology-dependant lives. My brother back on his xbox, my mom back to her emails and me back to the Amazing Race Asia on TV, drooling over the curly haired, dimpled Indian boy. Helllloooo Sahil, I would SO make out with you.

I think I'll sneak into the fuse box every month, and turn the electricity off for a couple of hours. When there's nothing interesting playing on TV, or I don't need to check my email.

And if my mother hasn't gotten there first.

Shall I tell you?

Shall I tell you about how I know I'm finally getting over Ahmet (who I already thought I was over a year ago, and about which I was obviously. very. wrong) because I turned down a beach barbecue/ picnic with a whole big bunch of friends when I knew Ahmet would be there? Or how I didn't feel butterflies when I saw him later, someplace else, and didn't bother to wave or go over and say hi (and flirt) because I didn't want to? And about how I know I have to, no choice, because I found out he's moving out of the country and settling abroad, and oh, he's married.

Or should I tell you about how I think, yes Saddam Hussein is an evil man, but he's old and obviously senile, and maybe he should be spared the hanging, because honestly, no human should be put to death by another, and especially not in that way. But when I really think about it, if it were my family he'd so cold-bloodedly murdered, I'd test every form of torture on the planet on him before I left him to boil in oil.

Or shall I write about how, after all this time, so many miles and a marriage, Midas still writes to me? Stupid, foolish emails pretending that he's someone else? Emails that read:


Hey....
Was going through the alumni website and saw ur Id, so am writing to u

As a normal routine, I know u must be tired of people saying, "hiii there, u r cute, u r pretty, i like ur smile, i like ur eyes and stuff"

and i can imagine how irritating it can be when someone out of no where jumps up and says "DO u wanna be my friend, or can i be ur friend" and u feel like, Man DO i KNow u .......... Hence i would definately not do the same, neither would i ask u to be my friend ... All i shall say is "WHy dont we start a conversation and let friendship develop on its on....."

Hope u would reply


And:


Hello der
hows u doing
My name is Ali
originally from India
but sometimes in (GG's hometown)
sometimes in Dubai
sometimes India and so on

On mylast trip to (GG's hometown)
i saw u in Town
thought u could be a good friend
as ur nature was Quite Silent
and i belive Silent People can be a good Asset as a Friend

DOnt know much abt u
Except ur name and FOund out ur email add

so writing to u wid no bad intension
hope u will not mind and will reply to my email

Again
like i said
no bad Intentions
Making Friends is my Hobby
so just trying to be friends
and i assure u
wont get any ambarrasing comments from me

Plz accept My Humble offer
and Kindly do reply


Or should I mourn about how my christmas-new year holiday that I have so eagerly been looking forward to, desperately, like a dying man reaching out for a sip of water, has been postponed to the middle of next year and I truly don't know how I'll survive until then.

Or shall I tell you about how I vividly dreamt of, of all people, Sunjay Dutt and now feel like I am on intimate terms with him? How in my dream, our hands linked together, we whispered sweet promises to one another? How when I woke up feeling warm and cosy, I looked around, surprised to find he wasn't there.

Then again, maybe I won't.

Limpid dreams

Have you ever said sweet dreams
on a cool, cloudless night,
switched off the lights,
thrown wide open the windows
and crawled into your cosy bed,
wrapping a sheet snugly around you,
then turned to gaze focus-edly at the curtains billowing in the breeze,
and, as you admired the crystal-clear skies,
the un-blurred view of brightly twinkling stars,
crisp silhouettes of neighbouring buildings
and the distinct contours of coconut trees bending in the wind,
realised you were still wearing your glasses?

That (bad) fling thing

I think I now understand why some women stay in abusive relationships. Not because I am in one, or have ever been in one, fortunately. And not that I would stay longer than to throw things at his head. But I now sort of get women who do.

See the thing is, I love my job. I truly enjoy the work I do. (having a brand new iMac helps :) ) but for the past well, three years, I've had an on-off relationship with it because of the other things that come with working in a high stress, no-social-life field. Crazy working hours, bitchy colleagues (well, one) (but she more than makes up for an entire bloody team) and a could-have-been-better-paycheck (it can always be better right?). There have been times when I've worked through entire weekends only to find out Monday morning that the client doesn't want to go in that direction/ is out of his budgeted range/ isn't doing it anymore. Bastard.

So every few months I'll think about updating my resume and going on a hunt for that perfect job. And that's how far I always get. Thinking about it. Not only because I can barely find five minutes to revamp my CV, (and when I do, I'm reading blogs or writing this one) but because two days after the showdown with the bitchy colleague, or the presentation that went terribly wrong, work will once again be all rainbows and butterflies. Easy. Fun. Peaceful. Colleagues will say "thanks! you're a star!", clients will say "great work!" and I'll go back to loving my job and missing deadlines. Until the next time shit hits the high powered air conditioner.

It's a vicious cycle, good times and bad in an ever-changing, never-ending spiral. So much like a dizzying, volatile romance.

Is there a home for battered workers?

Everything and a peanut

I was once found, but now I'm lost. Had to change some things about this blog so I could go back to blissful anonymous-ity. So if anyone is wondering why the change in name, now you know.

--------------

I have a new mac. A 20 inch flat screen iMac. It has a sleek little remote for my iTunes that attaches to the side of the screen with a magnet. Oooh the screen. It's big. It's beautiful. I want to bow down and pray to it.

--------------

Diwali was fantastic. I absolutely adore fireworks. When they're several thousand meters away. As long as I can't hear them, I'll have a huge idiotic grin plastered on my face any time I see a particularly spectacular one. (hah I like the sound of that. Very tongue twister-y. Particular Spectacular.) Hearing them though, scares the living beejezus out of me.

Last year I dared leave the security of my home (where a magnificent vista of fireworks is available to me from the safety of my balcony) and walked right smack bang into the middle of a war-zone. Flashing lights, thunderous racket (and rockets), I felt like I'd walked right into the heart of terror-torn Iraq. When some kids decided to light some fireworks under a parked car, I almost had a seizure. Never again. Now fireworks are viewed from the comfort of my balcony, lights switched off, wrapped in a cosy sheet (because this is still Africa, and we're almost on the equator. No wooly blankets for us) and popcorn and an iced drink. And God they were stunning.

When (and if) I ever get married, and if I can afford them, I'm so totally having fireworks. Only I'd have to pay for licenses, fire trucks, ear plugs etc. Waitaminute, I can just get married on Diwali. That would be awesome. So that's that then. Now I just need to find an unsuspecting victim to marry.

--------------

Eid was boring. Which is funny, because I'm muslim and I enjoy diwali more than I do eid. It could be because I have a very, very, very small family here and it's just not as much fun when there's only three of us to feast on potfuls of chicken biryani. Usually every year, my sister, a good friend who also doesn't have a big family for big-family-celebrations, and I would take off to of all places, subway, for long bouts of nonsense, silly jokes and yummy sandwiches. This year my sister is married and celebrating with her new big family who have big-family-celebrations, and my good friend is away living it up abroad. So that leaves lonely old me. And that's how eid was spent watching dvds and gorging on sweets all on my lonesome ownsome.

--------------

The party at Ahmet's house was fabulous. Not because it was a brilliant party with the right mix of people, fun, food and a very dip-able pool. Which it was. And not because it ended at sunrise. Which it did. But mostly because of Ahmet's presence and his ever-charming rake-ish ways.

Word of advice: If you thought you'd gotten over a guy simply because he got married, newsflash! you haven't. Therefore it is NOT a good idea to party at his house. You will be very aware of every little comment, every gesture, every move. Did that hug linger a few seconds longer than usual? Did he actually say "wow" when I walked towards him asking for a drink? Did his wife notice?

And it was really very bizarre when the next morning, my horoscope for the day read: A relationship has unnerved you once again because you genuinely thought you had got over loving this person. Acknowledge the fact that for the first time in your life you are experiencing true love.

See? Sooo not a good idea. I really need to re-read my copy of "He's just not that into you." More importantly, I really need to get a life.

Oops. Did I do that?

- Steve Urkle in Family Matters

Sometimes I do the stupidest things to myself. Sending the wrong text message to the wrong person is one of them. It's a standing joke amongst friends. I've lost count of the amount of times I've made a complete fool of myself having sent an embarrassing sms to someone who was definitely not meant to read it.

Coworkers have received messages from me asking them to "please buy some milk when you're on the way home". Friends I've asked to "call mom as she can't find that pan you'd used yesterday."

A while ago I had a bit of a thing for this guy. We chatted on instant messenger regularly and one fine day, in the midst of a pleasant conversation, I turned and made some comment to my sister. I don't remember what I said but she in turn bent down to the keyboard and on the chat window jokingly typed "I think you like me." She wasn't going to send it, but in my tizzy, halfway through our mini-scuffle, I hit enter.

Mortified? Who me? I should be used to it by now.

In the end, that incident didn't end up too badly. The track of our talk changed and he ended up confessing he liked me and asked me out.

Most of my dimwitted moments though, don't have such a happy ending.

This morning, I did the single most idiotic thing on the planet. Ahmet is having a house party this weekend which his wife had mentioned to me but for which I didn't really get a nice (formal) invite. I wouldn't usually be so anal about it, but since I don't really know her too well, and with my past history of awkwardness with Ahmet being what it is, I wasn't planning on going if one of them didn't call and request the pleasure of my company.

This morning when he did, I texted a mutual friend "You didn't tell Ahmet anything did you?" who do you suppose I sent it to? Take a wild guess? Ahmet. If I want to know what red-faced utter-chagrin looks like, I just have to look in the mirror.

My acts of shame have been recorded for posterity by a friend who made up a poem a few years ago. Read on, it's funny.

There was a cat who wore a hat
that was two sizes too big
it had green and purple polka dots
and it hid his little pink wig

The cat was merrily on it's way
to a beauty contest in town
Thinking smugly to himself
"With a hat like this, I'll snatch the crown"

Whilst on the way he met Polar bear
dressed like a ballerina
laughing out loud the cat he said
"Don't let the other guys see ya!"

The contest took off with a bang
The bear was a laughing stock
The cat was winning all the rounds
And smiled as if to mock

Then suddenly in awe the crowd went quiet
and looked in unison to the right
for walking gracefully on the stage
was (geek goddess) most stunning as turkish delight

She had on her a funky blouse
of stripes black and red
denim jeans that flared below
"It's friday you see" she said

She stopped and turned and to the judges smiled
that smile that only she could smile
the judges all fell off their chairs
that smile, that walk, that confectionary style!

The cat was mighty miffed at this
"Foul play" he cried, "don't you love my hat?"
the judges paid him no heed
as they watched (geek goddess) pirouette

She did a twirl and then a jig
her wiggly toes keeping beat
and as she her hair tossed back
the crowd sat stunned as if glued to seat

Then she cracked a joke she did
the audience in laughter burst out loud
her wit, her humour, her sarcy comebacks
would have made any jester proud

Then her phone did ring out beep
an SMS she had to put in motion
and as the crowd watched her fingers type
she sent a message... to the wrong person!

But for all her quirks and her bathroom singing
she's fun to be with and she has taste
the judges all agreed to this
and made her the winner pretty post haste

The prize was a huge moist chocolate cake
that disappeared in the blink of an eye
and they wondered not where it all went
when (geek goddess) let out a satisfied sigh

So the cat he walked off with a sulk
the bear couldn't care less
(geek goddess) decided to eat with a friend
just WHERE is anyones guess!

For (geek goddess)'s nice for all her whackiness
(and you can bet your chocolate on that!)
cause even when she has a bad hair day
she's far prettier than a cat in a hat!

Also known as Dory*

I am the most forgetful person on the planet. Seriously, I can open a door and forget whether I'm coming in or going out. I have dialled numbers then forgotten who I was calling. I've forgotten the names of classmates I'd studied with for 4 years, a month after graduation (truly embarassing story that), and I've spent hours searching for keys that were in my hand. Okay wait, that's not lousy memory, just plain stupidity. But anyway, if there was a Queen of the Forgetful, I'd be her. Or she'd be me. Whatever.

Now where was I?

Less than a week ago, I'd told my mother and sister some hot new gossip. "Are you serious?" my sister had exclaimed, "Shocking!" Last night, she repeated that same little tidbit to me. (It's obviously genetic.) "Seriously?" I asked incredulously, "That's shocking!"

Our mother looked on in bemusement.

*Dory the fish from err... whatchamacallit... Finding whatshisname? Right. Finding Nemo.

Close Call

Phew. Someone I know found this blog.

Sometimes the itty-bitty-est acts of carelessness can lead to your undoing. And me being the extremely private person that I am, would never have been able to write another post knowing someone I know would be able to read my deepest desires and unspoken secrets. Not that I've written anything of that sort on this blog - yet.

Not even my sister who is like a piece of my heart, or my bestest friends know about this blog. I may tell one or the other some time in the future. Maybe. But for now, this blog is absolutely, utterly, unnamed and faceless.

Thank you Gods of Blogger for making it so easy to go back into hiding.

Dear you-know-who-you-are, I'll know if you find this blog again. Can you be really, really nice and go away? Thanks.

Now back to our regular programming.

Men vs Boys

Two conversations in an otherwise empty elevator zipping non-stop down a high-rise.

SCENE 1:
Man - wow, we haven't stopped once on any of the floors.
Me - yeah, maybe we're in a free fall, plummeting to the ground, and we don't even know it.
Man - *nervous look* I watched this program on AXN all about how you could save yourself if you were stuck in a falling elevator. blah blah blah...

SCENE 2:
Guy in his 20's - cool shit yo, this lift ain't stoppin on any of the floors.
Me - uh huh
Guy in his 20's - *adjusts imaginary super-hero cape, beats his arms in the air and pretends that he's batman*

Maxim for Life (and death)

I don't know who wrote this, but I love it.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, "WOO HOO! What a ride!"

Not that I wouldn't mind getting there looking totally hot, (who knows who I'd run into in the hereafter) but I could live with that. (die like that. whatever.) Although at the rate I'm going, I'll probably get there worn out and weary from lack of sleep, weak from hunger, drained from a bad head cold; just plain dead beat, and then have just enough strength to mutter "Oh I can sleep now?" before I collapse.

Life is...

Last night I was in a bit of a blue funk. What with my heart all topsy turvy at sighting an old somewhat-ex and then, almost simultaneously, meeting an old crush at Saturday night's party.

This old flame, I'll call him Ahmet, was the love of my life. We met a few years ago and hit it off like chocolate ice cream and a mixed nut topping (what? You can't have chocolate ice cream without nuts okay?) He wasn't conventionally good looking, but he had this easy confidence and a quick wit that would have me rolling with laughter in seconds. He oozed charm. Oozed it, it leaked from his every pore. We flirted back and forth and our sms's were filled with light banter and sparkling repartee. I fell for him like a stack of glass plates crashing to the floor. Hard.

There was one tiny problem. He'd had a steady girlfriend for almost six years. He wasn't cheating on her or anything, the further-est we'd ever gotten was harmless flirting - on his side. I on the other hand, was head over heels.

He got married to his girlfriend not long ago, which I know in my heart of hearts was the right thing to do. But that doesn't make it any easier for me. The selfish, insensitive she-devil that I am. Seeing him again at Saturday night's party with his beautiful wife brought back bittersweet memories. We talked a little, albeit awkwardly. The butterflies and friction were still strong, and the eye contact was as long and soul deep as it had always been.

I'm not usually the remorseful type. I try not to let things get to me, I honestly believe if something's meant to be, it will. So if it doesn't work out the way I want it to, I let it go as best as I can - I know there's something better out there. But last night, for possibly the first time in my life, I felt the pangs of deep regret. If only I'd given quasi-ex a chance. If only I'd not let stupid, superficial things get in the way of knowing him better. If only Ahmet had not had a girlfriend. If only we'd met earlier, before he'd had her in his life. If only.

Sometimes you just have to grab whatever life throws your way with both hands. Close your eyes, take a leap and jump for the stars with full faith that you'll land between them. Unless of course, that particular star is already conquered and occupied. Then you just return to base, ready to take a high flying leap at the next beautiful star that comes your way.

Shit, now I sound just a little bit stalker-ish.

I read this somewhere and found it particularly fitting; "All that matters in the end is how fully you've lived, how deeply you've loved, and how well you let go of the things not meant for you."

Three things in my head.

1) The hot preacher leaves today. I'm heartbroken.

2) Got a dinner-party-thing planned at home tonight for a whole bunch of people. And I'm working till at least 7 p.m. Worried? Me? Naahh. Everything is in order. Food? Check. Drinks? Check. Dessert? Check. Messy, cluttered, almost-pig-sty home un-cluttered? Oh shit.

3) Saw a quasi-ex last night. Quasi-ex because we were only quasi-dating. We were doing the whole hanging out/ flirting/ late night phone calls thing for a while without an official "dating" tag but it didn't work out. He was still into his ex and I felt he was too over-conservative for my own free spirited, independent self. But damn, last night he looked good. My little heart actually skipped a beat. Too late though, he's already been hooked by one other. I'm surprised by the heart flutter, it's only happened once before. And I certainly didn't expect to feel it for him. Or wait, it could be that I'm weak from all the fasting. Yup, I think that's it.

Crush on a preacher

Every year, every Ramadhan, I end up having a major crush on atleast one of the religious speakers at the local mosque. It's not like any of them have been exceptionally goodlooking (except for that Robert De Niro lookalike 2 years ago.) (Yummy.) (Robert De Niro is THE hottest older man alive) (as is Sanjay Dutt, who I have seen TWICE, and who is just as smokin hot in real life as he is on screen.) (Okay, enough of the parentheses, I could've had a whole seperate post with just them.) (But then they wouldn't make any sense on their own.) (Okay this is really it.)

So I realised something. Along with being attractive and intelligent and witty and successful, (I realise I'm asking for the earth and the stars here) I also want my man to be religious. (and now the moon.) Not extremist bin-laden religious, (who really isn't religious, just insane with a touch of derange (can you say that? Derange?)) but a more moderate (normal) level of faith.

I like a man that believes in a supreme being. I like that he prays and fasts and does the things he does, because he believes God deserves to be worshipped. I like that a man can go out of his way to research and read up on an ideology he has faith in, that is not a hobby, but a way of life. In the wise words of Paris Hilton (whose song 'Stars are blind' I'm embarrassed to admit I quite like, and who really does have a pretty decent voice), "That's hot."

"Religion is essentially the art and theory of the remaking of man. Man is not a finished creation." - Edmund Burke